Grandma

We've known for a while that my grandma's kidneys were in bad shape. About two weeks ago, they were at 12%. At 10% the doctors start dialysis (I may be off by a translation factor of 2 or 3 percent). They found this out when she was getting her legs checked out (major pain for several years; since she moved to Pocatello). Then they found out she'd had a heart attack without her even realizing it (no major damage, but still not good). Today she had a doctor's appointment, probably with the heart specialist. I just got a call from my mom that they IMMEDIATELY put her in the hospital after the appointment, and she's having three stints put in tomorrow in her legs and kidneys. Emergency surgery. I am slightly freaked out.

My mom's coming to get me in a few minutes to go up and see her. It's like I'm split in two. There's a completely rational part of me typing this out and calmly contemplating possible futures. There's a completely irrational part of me trying to curl up into a ball and start gibbering.

UPDATE:
It was the kidney doctor, not the heart doctor. He's a "very nice Pakistani" according to my mom (and his family weathered the earthquake just fine), and as soon as he noticed how much trouble Grandma was having breathing, he decided this needed to be done right away. The problem is she's got fluid in her lungs, and they think it's because her kidneys aren't processing fluids properly. And since they're putting her under anyway (I assume), they're going to put stints in her legs to help circulation there. I guess circulation in her legs is pretty bad, bad enough that she's in danger of losing her toes.

If I seem calmer now, it's because I am. (1) I've been up to see her and I know more about what's going on. (2) Someone left a very rude and untimely advertising comment on this post and I visited said someone's blog and told them exactly how I felt about it. I will likely check back and if the comment has been deleted, I will post another just like it. Possibly worse, as I restrained myself on what I did post.

Just an observation, but my grandma and I are very alike in one respect: practicality. My mom has that to some degree, but tonight she made a comment that was so very obviously a "You'll get better and everything will be just fine!" remark that I just stared at her for a moment. Grandma's response was more prosaic, something about getting the paperwork taken care of anyway (she also told Mom where her will was). I get that Mom was just trying to cheer Grandma up, but Grandma's too much like me and much more likely to be annoyed by it.

I noticed something odd in my reactions, though. It took me a while to figure out, but I found myself not liking the idea of anyone praying for my grandma. The reason is that most people pray automatically for what they believe to be the best outcome, when they have no way of knowing that. I always wish "strength" to people, because that can be used regardless of the outcome, and does not presuppose that one outcome is better than another. It does presuppose that people may find strength useful in such situations, but I cannot see a reason to doubt that. So I am mentally sending strength to my grandma and to my mom, so they will be ready regardless of the outcome.