03 March 2006

I Am Grey

In Terry Pratchett's universe, a witch is someone who stands on the outside, who walks the edges between, without ever being part of either side. I feel like that sometimes. Most of the time. I am always on the outside, looking in, standing between the light and the shadow...the candle and the star. I watch and observe, but rarely participate.

I stand on the brink in each and every moment. The brink between future and past, action and inaction, despair and elation. I watch and wait, and rarely act. I am the leeway, the knife's edge, the one-in-between. There is no place where I fit. There never has been.

I am a Taoist in a society dominated by Christian ideals. I am a female in the fields of math and science, still dominated by males. I am an only child, and an only grandchild. I am a freethinker in a society dominated by obedience to the norm, and now becoming more fascist than ever before. I will not be coerced. I will not back down. This is who I am.

In taiji, we practice moving between extremes, between weighted and unweighted, between yin and yang. We avoid staying at the place-between, at the place where weight and power are evenly distributed. Taiji class is one of the few places where I have ever felt like I belonged, like I wasn't an outsider looking in. There, the form stands in the place-between, between thought and no-thought, between stillness and motion, and unites the disparate sides even as it separates them. There I am at home, at peace, at one. Everywhere else, I am the observer, the cataloguer, the one standing on the outside, between the shadow and the light.


kate said...

I can relate to that somewhat. Especially when you say you are the observer. That is probably the best way to describe me.

Qalmlea said...

To be honest, most of the time I'm happier that way. Once in a while it bothers me, though.