19 November 2007

Imaginary Wars

Given the time of year, you can probably guess which war I'm talking about. If not, here is information on one of the opening salvos. At one point, I debated not using a certain 8-letter word that begins with 'C' between, say, Thanksgiving and the holiday-which-shall-not-be-named, but I decided it would be silly. So I'll just keep it up for the duration of this post. `/^

At any rate, these guys want [CENSORED]mas to be printed proudly on all the shopping bags and catalogs of America. They want everyone to know that [CENSORED] was a staunch capitalist, who supported the ritual bombastic spending that goes on every year, and would be proud to have his name on it. Naturally, the true meaning of [CENSORED]mas is to buy lots and lots of things with [CENSORED]'s name on them. And if [CENSORED]'s name isn't there, than it's pure evil. Clearly the bible dictates a capitalistic orgy in honor of [CENSORED]'s (borrowed) birthday.

Funny thing... What I remember from Sunday school is an emphasis on the true meaning of [CENSORED]mas having nothing whatsoever to do with orgiastic spending and pretty bags with [CENSORED]'s name on them. It was supposed to be about an extraordinary event, the birth of God on earth. I'm curious. Did the Wise Men's gifts have "Merry [CENSORED]mas!" on them? Somehow, I doubt it.

It would be more in keeping with the "reason for the season" to decry the use of [CENSORED]'s name on all these external trappings, in the opinion of this admittedly non-Christian heathen. From where I'm sitting, the insistence on the use of the name smacks of idolatry, and suggests that money is the true object of veneration for these people. Spend for [CENSORED]! Make sure all your trinkets and toys have [CENSORED]'s name on them, whether they'd be approved of by [CENSORED] or not! "Moichandising! Moichandising! Moichandising! Where the real money from the religion is made! [CENSORED]: the T-shirt, [CENSORED]: the Coloring Book [holds up a Transformers comic book], [CENSORED]: the Lunchbox, [CENSORED]: the Breakfast Cereal. [CENSORED]: the Flame Thrower… [fires a short blast from flame thrower]." Is that really the message [CENSORED] would want to send? This heathen doesn't think so.

So you go ahead and buy your [CENSORED]mas golden idols and sacrifice all the cold hard manna you like to them. Seriously. My favorite thing about [CENSORED]mas is watching [CENSORED]ians show their pagan spirit.


James F. McGrath said...

Hilarious! Well done! I can't wait for the podcast when we can hear the actual beeps - perhaps with the beeps playing [CENSORED]mas carols...

Qalmlea said...

^/^ Glad you enjoyed it. Oh, I should probably credit the quote that I modified. It's from Spaceballs: The Movie, and can be found here, just after the heading "Dialogue."